JS: Having a cup of earl grey and a danish pastry with Jakob Nielsen, the web usability deity from Nielsen Norman Group, I asked him what was holding up progress on his plans for world domination.
JN: Three things, really: I call them lazy, stupid and evil designers. The second of my five year plans was intended to make me the acclaimed ruler of the design world with "Jakob's Little Green Book" being taught to children all over the world in preparation for their role in the 'Blue Link Forward' movement.
JS: Why do you think that you have to go on constantly repeating your simple mantra that "People should just do what I say". Are designers just too stupid to listen to your enlightened views?
JN: Well, I would hate to agree with your analysis, but if it quacks and is yellow then perhaps it is a duck. I have experienced this reaction before when I used to be the "best film reviewer in the world". I had reviewed a movie called "Time Trax" where I pointed out a number of problems with the movie, the worst being the sign saying "Smithsonian Institute" when in fact it is actually called the "Smithsonian Institution". You can read more of my review of Time Trax if you would like to be further enlightened on this matter. You may also like to study my methodology for using a VCR which has been ignored by the lazy, stupid people who watch movies.
You should also read some of my book reviews where I explain why the publishing industry doesn't cater for people with an intellect as massive as mine.
JS: How do you get along with your fellow partners at NNGroup. Is there a lot of discussion about the usability of cutlery in the canteen?
JN: Well, you might think that it's fun, but it's actually very hard work. Don seems to spend a lot of time in the bathroom messing around with toilet paper, whilst Tog spends most of the day in the parking lot, tinkering around with his motorhome.
I do wish that Don wouldn't spend so much time in the executive washroom as I do need to brush my hair on an hourly basis so that I can make a good impression with my followers disciples fans.
JS: Whatever happened to Brenda Laurel. There was a big fanfare when she joined NNGroup but then she disappeared without anything being said. What's the inside story on her departure?
JN: We did have someone called Brenda working with us for a while, but she didn't meet my guidelines for female employees and we had to let her go.
JS: You have been described as "The Six Trillion Dollar Man" with regard to your claims for productivity gains for intranets if they would just follow your usability guidelines.
JN: Yes, there has been a lot of confusion over my remarks about the savings that could be made if people just did as I told them. I wasn't talking about the savings a company could make, I was talking about the amount of money I would make if everyone in the world bought two of my books and attended one of my seminars.
JS: Some evil people have criticised you for being behind the times and not following your own guidelines. The search on useit.com is abysmal and there is no returns policy available on nngroup.com. Some would say that your tabloid approach is having a negative impact on your usability peers.Would you like to take this opportunity to answer these specific ctiticisms?
JN: No.
JS: What is the most important thing that people can do to help you achieve your goal of 105% guideline compliance by the year 2018?
JN: I would advise all right-minded people considering careers in any industry to request their organisation to arrange for us to run an introdution to usability course which will give you the fundamentals of the one true path to usability enlightenment.
My latest "Usability Universe Tour" resulted in the creation of over 2,500 usability professionals in just six weeks. 
This means that we should reach our total of 1.2 million Nielsen accredited usability professionals at 7.45pm on Wednesday 24th March 2014 (approx).
JS: Thank you.
JN: Yes.
This interview of Obi-Wan Jakobski by Jake Sconepaddock was carried out purely in the imagination of Chris McEvoy and bears no relationship to any other interview, real or imaginary.
PS
You'll notice that none of the hi-res photos of JN include the trouser area.
That's because
a) Jakob wears trousers that might have been sold in M&S 30 years ago, shiny, three sizes too large.
b) Jakob's trouser pockets are filled with multifarious material (handkerchief, remote controls, or possibly entire usability labs...who knows) that alter the entire architecture of the trousers.
The result is three-dimensional and highly disturbing. In fact, you cannot watch Jakob and listen to his words, as your eye constantly drifts to the rogue trousers, which seem to have a mind of their own.
You don't notice this so much in close proximity (in a lift), as he's quite short.
Posted by: Louise Ferguson | June 30, 2005 at 06:14 PM
Chris, I'm sure the 'guidelines for female employees' at NNG must include 'must be under 35' and 'cannot have a mind of her own'. Hence the disappearance of the truly fantastic Brenda (crikey, who can blame her for leaving).
And Don and the bathroom... I have huge respect for Don - my favourite book is 'Things That Make Us Smart' - and just wonder why he continues under the NNG banner. I suppose it's an income, but mud sticks...
Posted by: Louise Ferguson | June 30, 2005 at 06:06 PM
Thanks Bruce, with you and JC on my side we cannot fail to overcome.
Posted by: Chris McEvoy | June 29, 2005 at 10:30 PM
Excellent, mate. Excellent.
Posted by: bruce | June 29, 2005 at 09:55 PM
I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me
Posted by: Jesus Christ | June 28, 2005 at 12:06 PM
Jack shows that he has a sense of humour by blogging about this on Guardian Online.
Posted by: Chris McEvoy | June 27, 2005 at 01:33 PM