Grumpy Old People

Bonkers bankers and their machines from hell

Grr. I've been informed by the bankers holding one of my business accounts that the fat euro cheque from a client that I deposited in one of their bonkers banking machines (you know, those ones where you throw an envelope into a hole and hope for the best), has vanished off the face of the earth, within the bank branch. And I shall have to go back to the Spanish foundation that issued it to get another cheque. Which will take months.

I have the machine printed slip, I can tell them the machine's acknowledgement code, the precise time it was deposited, the exact branch location, the amount, who the cheque was from, who they bank with. I even have a photocopy of the cheque (I just don't trust those machines). But they can find neither hide nor hair of cheque, envelope or transaction within their multifarious systems.

Now, depositing a euro cheque in a machine is always a gamble (the amount you key in will never be the sterling amount of the actual credit - said machines not being able to distinguish sterling and other currencies, dontcha know), but they haven't even passed the cheque around between branches as they might normally do. No, it's just vanished off the face of the earth.

Having spoken to many, many people at the guilty bank, HSBC (including branch managers, chief cashiers and so on), I understand that these deposit machines suffer from a number of issues. In fact, there so many issues that they have completely redesigned the machines (only just starting to be rolled out), so that the customer gets an image of the deposited item.

Which is little consolation to me. HSBC has virtually forced people to use the machines (by withdrawing counter facilities in more and more branches), but I'll never be doing so again. I'd rather move my accounts. Losing more than one in ten machine-deposited cheques (which is how it works out), and for an above-average value at that, is no joke. All I can say is never, ever deposit cash in these machines. Because then there's no way to get a replacement if it goes missing...without robbing a bank.

The Grumpiest Day of the Year

Today is the grumpiest day of the year !

Dubbed "Black Monday", according to "Personnel Today"

Staff should be at a lower ebb today than any other point in 2005, according to an academic who has identified 24 January as the most depressing day of the year.

A formula created by a part-time tutor at Cardiff University shows that foul weather, debts, fading Christmas memories, failed resolutions and a lack of motivation all conspire to make people miserable.

Unfortunately we don't have the right weather for it here.  The Grumpiest day should be grey and overcast, windy with 100% chance of rain, but the sky is blue and a little pale yellow thing bobbed up over the horizon for several hours.  I still would have preferred to stay in bed.

Stupid Organisations

I have just posted an item about the incompetent way that Napster have published their FUZZ Flash magazines.

Now I am sure that almost all of the people who work for Napster are intelligent, thoughful human beings who are capable of putting their shoes and socks on the right way round every morning without too much trouble.

So why, when people get to work do they become incompetent nincompoops?

Is there a dumb-down ray that people pass through at the security desk?

Are organisations actually set up to waste most of our time by making it almost impossible to do the simplest things correctly?

Would you like fries with that?

Now that Apple has announced a couple of new gizmos which made millions of people around the world engage in a masturbate-a-thon, I think I should point a bizzare product detail about the IPod Shuffle.

No, no, it's not their unbelievably idiotic way of describing the "shuffle" feature as some kind of mystical experience, but a little warning at the bottom of the product information page. Right there, believe it or not, it says...

"Do not eat iPod shuffle."

I'm not kidding you. That's what it actually says.

Could the alleged higher IQ of the Mac fans be waning that such a warning is required?

iProduct

I wish people would make their parodies more obvious. I got halfway down before I realised it wasn't serious.

British Ruling Class Shenanigans

Prince Harry dresses as a Nazi.

Thatcher found guilty in coup plot involvement.

Norwich Union Direct ? (Not Very)

I currently buy my car insurance policy from Norwich Union Direct.

I usually pay one lump sum as it's cheaper than paying monthly, but last year they offered me monthly payments with no additional admin fee. Well I took up their offer as I could earn interest on the money as I paid it month by month rather than one payment in advance.

I have now received my renewal quote from them. I expected them to remove the 'free' monthly payment option, so I was ready to renew by paying with one lump sum.

But the swines didn't even give me the option of paying annually. The renewal form gave me the option of 12 monthly payments of £49.85 (8% admin fee), or 4 payments of £146.80 (6% admin fee).

Now I can work out that the annual payment would be £554 (no admin fee) but they had annoyed me, so I was enthused to find a better deal.

I went to the Norwich Union website to see what quote they would give me if I pretended to be a new customer. I entered the same details as my current policy but opted for a slightly higher excess.

That quote gave me an annual payment option of £392, a saving of £162.

So I rang them up and cancelled the current policy. When they asked why I was cancelling, I said it was because I got a better deal by pretending to be a new customer.

So I would ask all companies who sell me insurances etc. to try and piss me off when it comes to renewal time, because the more you annoy me, the more money I save.

Jerry! Jerry!

Did anyone see the Jerry Springer Opera on the BBC, then? Or are you one of the 45,000 people who complained before it was broadcast (surely not before you'd seen it)? It's certainly brave of the BBC to screen it, and the big fuss it has caused is no doubt due in part to all the excess publicity caused by a religious minority once again trying to enforce their own views on everyone else.

Albert Einstein™

I cannot believe some ad agency has a trademark on Albert Einstein.

Why are we so Grumpy?

Some bright spark has set up a website called Grumpier Old Men, where grumpy old men "of all ages" can get things off their chest in a Grumpy Forum and even purchase Grumpy Gifts which proudly claim not to be recycled, biodegradable or politically correct.

Why are we so grumpy? by Brendan O'Neill

Well Brendan, thanks a lot for not mentioning GrumpyOldPeople.com, but I guess that's all I can expect for someone with an "under construction" blog.

(I do hope it's the same Brendan O'Neill!)

Microsoft Word Sounds

Apart from the fact that it's shit and I spend more time trying to undo it's goofiness than actually doing stuff... another story another time....

And apart from the fact that I've set this option 100 times already and it ALWAYS turns itself on, so to speak.

I uncheck the "provide feedback with sound" option and click "OK"... audible: click!

Boy that gets me everytime, knowing that IT WON'T WORK, and secondly the software laughs in my face by playing the click sound anyway....

Quit wishing me Happy New Year

Another year is upon us.

Well, whoop-dee-frickin'-doo!

What it brings for all of us is every person you meet for the next fortnight wishing you a happy new year.

Yeah, whatever!

Seriously, "Happy New Year" is one of those useless greetings, quite like "Good morning" (when "hello" will suffice). As if anyone's year is going to magically turn "happy" just because you wish it upon them. But everyone says it anyway. Why don't they just say "Great sex this year" while they're at it. It has about the same chance of changing anything. After decades of hearing it, I can barely manage a fake wry smile, let alone return the greeting. The best I can do is "you too" with a look that says "I'm supposed to smile when I say this, but you can clearly see I'm not as excited as you are".

If that ain't enough, there follows a litany of cards and even more of that horrible scourge of the Internet age - the e-card. They burst with good wishes and lines like "here's hoping the new year brings you happiness and prosperity and may all your dreams be fulfilled".

Blah blah blah! Listen pal, just because the earth completed one revolution around the sun doesn't magically change anything in your life. Some of us will do well, most will have their share of ups and downs, and some will screw themselves. I simply don't see any point in sending people new year wishes, ok? Your new year card won't do squat to help or hurt.

But it's not as if my posting about it will change anything. I'll just try to avoid people for the next two weeks, and hope that "happy new year" fever has worn off after that.

Do your bit for society. Lay off the new year greetings.