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December 31, 2004

Suck value of Amazon reviews on the rise

When I'm researching a product purchase at Amazon, I sometimes read customer reviews that seem to be for a different product. For example, users complaining about swapping out batteries too much, when the product I'm looking at comes with a recharging docking station. When I'm lucky, a customer mentions the product model in his or her review, and then I know whether I'm comparing apples to oranges. I complained to Amazon after one particularly frustrating research session, but they defended the practice. Read the comments section for Amazon's explanation. Sheer absurdity!

December 29, 2004

Presents

I'm kinda surprised people still give presents - other than to children....

December 28, 2004

Father sells off kids' presents

No_presents

A Texas father is auctioning off the video game systems he had bought his sons for Christmas, saying they do not deserve the expensive presents.
The 41-year-old man from Pasadena said he had bought three Nintendo DS systems - one for each son.

But fed up with their misbehaviour, he has posted the items on the eBay auction website.

"No kidding," the eBay posting says. "Three undeserving boys have crossed the line."

BBC - 25 Dec 2004

Should a new category be set up on e-bay?

It makes a change from threatening to give the presents away to the 'poor children' which was what me and my four brothers were threatened with.

December 26, 2004

Heartless Bastards

I wake up and read that (at the time) more than 3,000 people had died in tsunamis. I turn on cable news. CNN is showing me a delightful and cheery fire eater. After that segment they show "top of the hour" news, with the disaster given maybe 30 seconds before moving onto such stories as airline delays. I turn on Headline News (providing a complete news broadcast every 30 minutes) and am told that as many as 1,500 people have died. Umm, aren't both stations under the same ownership? MSNBC has a live report from some American airport talking about airport delays ("the glitch that stole Christmas"). Not that 3,000 deaths is a downer or anything.  CNBC has an informercial pitching me a curling iron. Don't they know I shaved my head last night? Jesus Christ!  I'm actually watching FOX News for a breaking story. After a decent period, their next story was about the Ukraine vote. Did I wake up in some bizzaro world where republicans are the ones who give a damn? Oddly enough, I first read the news on CNN's web site, which placed it front and center.

December 25, 2004

Blow-up Snow Woman

A recent entry for the tackiest decorations, having only appeared yesterday -  it's a giant inflatable snow woman. 

Snowwoman

What's that all about then?

The Grumpiest Santa

Here I am, three months old, no idea what's going on, they dress me up as some kind of mythical postman and expect me to smile as well.

Grumpy_santa

Posted on behalf of Gabriel McEvoy

December 24, 2004

Have a nice vacation

I hate listserves. Every time I post a message to participate in a discussion, I am reminded that someone somewhere is on holiday while I'm stuck toiling in the office. Today with one message I was informed of a dozen people on vacation. Two folks return December 27. One guy returns December 28, another on January 2. Four people return January 3 and four more return January 4th. Meanwhile, you'll find me working December 25, December 31 and January 1.

December 22, 2004

Fashion and winter do not mix

Following is a Canadian rant. Anyone living in a country where the temperature does not go below -20 degrees C in winter can safely ignore the following.

People of Canada! Would it kill you to put a damned hat on when the mercury drops below -20 degrees Celsius? What is the matter with you? Are you so fashion-conscious that you would rather lose an ear than risk mussing your hair?

And it's not just women who are avoiding the dreaded tuque - I see plenty of men going out without any sort of head covering.

Goddamnit! This is Canada! It gets cold here! Really, really cold! Put on a warm winter coat and a hat!

Remember, in winter, it's okay to look like a dork.

This was a Canadian moment.

Grumpy Christmas Quotes

Merry Christmas! Out upon merry Christmas! What's Christmas time to you but a time for paying bills without money; a time for finding yourself a year older, but not an hour richer; a time for balancing your books and having every item in `em through a round dozen of months presented dead against you? If I could work my will,' said Scrooge indignantly, `every idiot who goes about with "Merry Christmas" on his lips, should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. He should!'

From "A Christmas Carol" By Charles Dickens

Any more festively grumpy quotes?

Have bank account - will video

Nice result after some of my cash was chewed and gobbled away by an autoteller (inside a bank branch) in Bilbao. The bank tried to fob me off (refused to give names, refused to register the complaint etc.), but I went back armed with my video camera and still camera and started taking pics of them messing around with 'out of order' signs and so forth. Bank staff started darting out of viewfinder range, the problem was suddenly escalated, and I got my cash back personally and instantly from a branch head honcho who even gave me his card.

This did happen the day after a Bilbao metro ticket machine ate my grandmother's senior citizen ID card, so I was feeling extra grumpy at the time and in no mood to tolerate fools.

As the song says, I've got the power....

December 20, 2004

Tackiest Decorations

What's the worst piece of tat in your road then? Come on, I bet you can beat this.

xmasgarden.jpg

December 19, 2004

Grumpy But Young

As many of my friends approach the grand age of thirty, I've been finding myself having an increasing number of arguments with them about the sad fact that they are 'getting old'. This is starting to annoy me.

Continue reading "Grumpy But Young" »

Coffee jars are the wrong size

I can't believe the things some people will complain about on their blogs. This geezer , Brian Micklethwait is complaining about coffee jars at some considerable length  - with illustrations. And what does he use these coffe jars for? propping up shelves full of completely useless CD jewel cases.  What a complete waste of space!   And then lots of people leave pointless  comments about it, and write article on other blogs to trackback.  Is this what the big internet blogging revolution has degenerated to already? 

December 16, 2004

Grumpy Santa

JibJab have just release their Grumpy Santa animation.

Grumpy_santa_4 Grumpy_santa_1

Although I do prefer the farting elves myself.

Farting_elves_1 Farting_elves_2

Oops! wrong planet

Mandrillbaboon74

Thunderbird 3 makes an unfortunate landing in giant ape world. 

Crimson areoles

Manhunt_4Recently I've been plagued with nightmares about my nipples bleeding. I blame violent video games.

December 15, 2004

Playing the game

Manhunt Patricia Hewitt, the trade and industry secretary has said that she is concerned too many children are playing games aimed at adults which include "high levels of violence", and she wants parents to take lessons in video games so that they know what their children are playing.

"You wouldn't let your child watch the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. So you shouldn't let them play an 18-rated game."

What planet does she live on? Doesn't she realise that any youngster worth their salt would have seen Texas Chainsaw Massacre before they were twelve and would have moved onto Zombie Flesh Eaters and Driller Killer by the time they were thirteen. Who does she think watches these films if it isn't children?

Of course parents don't let their children watch these films or play ultra-violent games, but the kids do it anyway. If you want to boost sales of a video game then stick an 18 certificate on it and the sales to under eighteens will rocket.

Red_triangle In 1987 the Channel 4 TV station decided to experiment with using what was known as the 'red triangle'; the idea being was that the triangle would be displayed in the top left hand corner of the screen throughout programmes that featured scenes containing violence or explicit sexual content, effectively serving as a content warning. Opponents to this idea said that this would be an excuse to show even more sex and violence, and viewing figures for programmes that featured the red triangle conversly went up. Within months the whole experiment was quietly dropped.

I used to love the red triangle. When you came home from the pub on a Friday night you could switch to C4 and see what the film was. If there was a red triangle then it would be worth staying up, if not then you could just go to bed.

The politicians have been implying that violent video games cause people to perform violent acts, but there is never any evidence of this to back up their spurious claims.

Academics point out that there has not been any definitive research linking bloodthirsty games such as Manhunt with violent responses in players.

In a report published this week for the Video Standards Council, Dr Guy Cumberbatch said: "The research evidence on media violence causing harm to viewers is wildly exaggerated and does not stand up to scrutiny."

Dr Cumberbatch, head of the social policy think tank, the Communications Research Group, reviewed the studies on the issue.

He concluded that there was an absence of convincing research that media violence caused harm.

Maybe if Bush and Blair played more violent video games they wouldn't feel the need to go off and kill lots of real people.

December 14, 2004

A fellow thinker

"Society's lack of concern with small, human details gets David Boyle in a rage"

http://books.guardian.co.uk/review/story/0,12084,1370178,00.html

Grumpy Old Women

Apparently BBC2 is to screen a Grumpy Old Women over Christmas...

December 13, 2004

I just want to pay my bill

I received a speeding ticket recently under totally bogus conditions. It is useless to explain to a magistrate that a police officer is lying out his ass, so I decided I would pay the fine.

My ticket is labeled "notice to appear." I signed on a line with a "promise to appear at the time and place indicated below." The courthouse address and a specific time and date are listed. I was told to pay the fine, or contest the charges in court on that date.

I visited the courthouse to pay my bill the day after receiving the ticket, but was refused because the ticket isn't in their computer system and won't be for some time. The clerk instructed me to ignore the court date. I'm supposed to do nothing until I receive a "courtesy notice" (containing a bill and a different optional court date) via postal mail in four to six weeks. A six week wait would be leave me two weeks overdue the date on the ticket.

Something tells me that six weeks from now I'm going to get cited and fined for failure to pay my fine and appear in court.

December 12, 2004

Google ads can suck too

Everyone talks up the wonder and delight of Google text ads because their display is triggered by your keyword searches. In theory, the advertisements you see are useful because they apply to your current interests.

I searched for "handmade wooden christmas ornaments."  Eight text ads were displayed:

  • 2 Ebay ads (leading to the same search output page for "wooden ornaments," except one capitalized the words). Ebay is so big and full of crap that if I go there, it's like I'm starting my search over again.
  • 2 links to generic price comparison sites. If I wanted the lowest price on generic Christmas ornaments, I'd shop at Wal-Mart.
  • 2 links to craft web sites that have Christmas-related sections, still far too generic to be useful.
  • 1 link to a jewelry and home decor site reporting, "Sorry, no items to display."
  • 1 link to a generic gift page at Target.com.

Most of the text ads targeted a general interest in Christmas merchandise, or offered ornaments in an insignificant capacity. The Ebay and price-matching sites are especially troublesome. All of them missed my mark.

Unless Google gets its advertisers in check, it will be training people to distrust text advertisements as much as they loathe all other web advertising.

December 11, 2004

Computer plugs

This rant about computer plugs and connectors has been brewing for a while and it annoys me like how seeing a talented kid not living up to their potential does.

December 10, 2004

Address discrimination

In the act of posting a comment about a blog entry on a really dumb web site called "Grumpy Old People," I was discriminated against. The blog refused to accept my e-mail address:  jakemcdingo@ireallyhavetovisittheloorightnowbutiwillfinishthispostfirst.yahoo.com

Instead of publishing my comment, it spat incomprehensible profanity at me:
DBD::Pg::st execute failed: ERROR:  value too long for type character varying(75) at /usr/local/prod/typepad/lib/MT/ObjectDriver/DBI.pm line 336.

Considering the condition my body is in at this moment in history, I must tell you that I am posting this blog entry at great personal risk, and guaranteed bodily discomfort.

In summary, take your line 336 and SHOVE IT!

Podcasting Hype

So lots of 'big bloggers' are getting all excited about Podcasting  and hyping it up like it's some kind of blogging for the 4th dimension. By all accounts, blogging is about to go very mainstream, so the people who got in early are hoping to maintain their leading edge by jumping onboard the next bandwagon  before it starts rolling. But aren't there just a few teeney little snags.....?

  • you can't search audio for keywords
  • FFwd and rewind are hit or miss
  • you can't include hyperlinks in an audio stream ( the killer ) 
  • it takes at least three times as long to listen as it does to read
  • many otherwise interesting people speak with really irritating accents
  • um, er, like... you know what I'm saying?

Ode to Web Designers

Somehow I talked myself into doing the website for my sons Jui Jitsui club. I got the usual "content" supplied via word, and all the inspiration of a flatlining tortoise.

So to gather some ideas I started googling. I found this (turn on your speakers). Now normally I wouldn't criticise, as it's clearly a kid whose put this together. But this is GOP, so balls. This is so bad it makes my eyes AND ears bleed.

Microsoft should be placed against the nearest wall and shot for opening web design up to these people - Frontpage? Who knows but clearly web design needs to be hand crafted mark-up.

What the hell is that tune?

eBay : eCommerce for the masses or bastards?

Bulk listing to eBay using eBay’s own tools commits what is, in effect, a denial of service attack on your own mail server. Today is a “free” listing day on eBay (.co.uk). I say “free” because if you really want to add anything that might sell it’ll still cost 15p to get a gallery item listed.

Anyway, I spent most of today trying to list over 3000 items using various tools, but mainly Turbo Lister. When I started outlook to check for email my client timed-out. After investigating I found out that I had thousands of 17kb messages from eBay, confirming my listings. WTF !? Why couldn't the bulk lister (supplied by eBay), provide a real time confirmation, or at least let me have one email per 1000 items!?

Bad Design, or just bastards trying to piss me off?

Cables

Cables. Need I say more?

We have this thing called wireless. And we have more cables than ever. I can currently see more than 30 cables! (without ducking behind computers, speakers etc) . And I'm in a home office!

They are selling us this thing called wireless, but we're not wireless! It's all a huge PR con.

Resealable bags

When resealable bags first came out for medium sized packets of pasta and rice and stuff like that, I thought, "ok, so this is an improvement on just screwing up the top of the packet or folding it over. How kind of the nice people at Tainsbo CarboLever, the People's bulk starch mega-corp to think about the end consumer for once." 
Little did I know this was just the first stage of their cunning plan. After the first week or so they began reducing the stickiness of the reusable seal. Now the little yellow tags are all - without exception - so pathetic that they won't stay down for longer than it takes the natural unfurling tendency of bags to pull them off again.
Then they changed the formula of the plastic bag itself to make it much thinner and more brittle, and THEN, yes there's more, Then they introduced a new, tougher initial permanent seal so that it's  impossible to get the sodding things open at all, without the bag splitting, spilling contents all over the deck and making the whole concept of resealability totally and utterly DEFEATED!!
So these days I just cook the whole bloody lot in one go, and then leave half of it in the fridge to go mouldy. I suppose this provides a very temporary solution to the inevitable problem of over production in a market driven society.

Framed

Why the hell are frames for glasses so bloody expensive? I just paid 190 dollars for a bit of wire and some paint. And I didn't even choose one of the high-end, famous-name-designer, ugly-ass frames aimed at the artsy-fartsy types.

What the hell are these frames made of, platinum?

I can vaguely understand why lenses are expensive, but the frame? Are they lovingly handcrafted by some hard-working artisan who signs each finished piece? I don't think so.

Grrrrr, next

It’s bad enough that it’s the season of goodwill to all men (and one presumes women, small children and cute animals). It’s bad enough that we are expected to share in the goodwill by exchanging (normally) rubbish gifts with relatives and “friends” (who, let’s be honest, if they we really friends would beg us not to bestow on them some worthless piece of crap) we never see from one year to the next. But, by far, the worst thing is the false sense of smugness that you feel when you see people having to fight through the high-street every year. Have these people never heard of shopping online??

I say “false sense” because it’s a load of crap – I’ve tried it. In a social experiment I was eager to try, I set about living the Christmas spirit from behind a keyboard and broadband connection.

My conclusion?

Bollocks. Ever tried buying Xmas cards online? And don’t any of you smug bastards suggest “e-cards” or even bulk buying – I only really have to buy for 2, and I’m far to tight to buy in bulk.

But worst still is next.co.uk – just try and find anything – there is no search as far as I can tell. Browse or go screw yourself. I can’t believe a major hight street presence like this can’t get it right? Have you ever gone into next at Xmas? Shit, never again.

Bah humbug.

December 09, 2004

Remote Control Etiquette: My arse

From 10 tips on remote control etiquette

"3. It's only when women are widowed that they discover there's such a thing as a remote control and they find all kinds of things that are on television, like musicals as well as westerns. If you can't agree with your partner what to watch, then split up immediately because it can't be resolved. (Lynne Truss, author of bestseller Eats, Shoots and Leaves and about to tackle the subject of manners) "

-------------------

So it's OK to be sexist if your talking about remote controls!

The authors claim that "41% of men and 30% of women claim to rule the sofa entertainment". Doesn't this mean that the other 29% share the remote control?

I am outraged by this sexist attack on men/women (delete as appropriate) and I insist that all users of remote controls are equally pilloried for their actions.

Silence should replace vapid office banter

I hate people who talk about watching movies and movie trailers.

Coworkers assault me at the water cooler with details of what they saw and experienced at the theatre the previous night. I want nothing more than to drink a cool, clean cup of water in silence. Instead I am treated to a rehashed disjointed film summary, told out of chronological order because their memory is shot from reading too many blogs. That or their brain has gone daft by practicing repeated autoerotic asphyxiation. Close your goddamn office door for once, or at least turn the radio on so I don’t have to listen.

Previews should not replace movies

I hate the people who devise today's movie previews. They have completely ruined what used to be a mildly entertaining part of the cinema-going experience. Now, instead of teasing you into wanting to see a movie, these people have decided to present the best jokes, the most spectacular visual punches, every bloody twist and turn of the plot. After seeing one of these previews, I no
longer need or indeed want to see the movie.

Are these people frustrated artists, who want to show their creativity by making their own two-minute "ad person's cut" of the movie? Or are they just plain dumb?

Lots of people blame MTV for these fast-paced previews: young people can't pay attention for more than a few seconds, they say, so today's ads have to present lots of different scenes to cover the one or two minutes that these previews last.

Are you trying to tell me that the MTV generation actually wants to know the content of the movie before they go see it? That their attention span is so short that when they're at a movie, they can't keep track of what's going on? So if they've seen a 2-minute version of it, they'll know when they're supposed to pay attention, or, at the very least, they'll be able to tell the storyline to their friends later even if they were busy thinking of Britney Spear's latest video instead of looking at the movie.

What a load of bull.

Next time you go to the movies, if you notice a crazy woman with her fingers in her ears, her eyes screwed shut, singing 'la!la!la!' during the previews, come over and say hi. Just don't tell me what was in that preview.

December 08, 2004

Anti-Spam Annoyances

Anti_spam

I have just tried to put a comment onto Andy Roberts blog and got this annoying message about "Typing the anti-spam message". What bloody anti-spam message!

Hom many people are being denied commenting rights by badly designed, badly implemented anti-spam technologies.

So if Andy is reading this post : I have just invited you to be an author on Grumpy Old People.

That's if the invitation hasn't been consumed by an anti-spam technology!

Hanging by an isthmus this Christmas

My Christmas is going to suck and it’s my wife’s fault. She never logs out of her Amazon account, so for several weeks I’ve been forced to observe the gifts she is considering for me as she alternates between adding them to her wish list (for items she is unsure about) and her shopping cart (for done deals). Then when the cart mysteriously empties one day, she doesn’t even TRY to hide the shipping manifest that Amazon e-mailed her. I mean, come on! Open a temporary Yahoo or Hotmail account and hide it from me. Flush the browser cache and history. Try some semblance of obfuscation! Make me install a key logger!

Her idea of being clever is to have the gifts shipped to a friend’s house and bring them home already wrapped. Does she think I’m incompetent? What? I can’t unwrap the gifts, copy any software, play with any gadgets, and then rewrap the presents?

There is no bed to look under. No deep closet to rummage around in. The thrill of the hunt is gone.

The worst part is that the gifts do not even approach being appropriate. I have more than two weeks to contemplate the money she spent on guessing my interests. I'll reach my melting point by December 25th.

On the plus side, after I cry like Baby Jesus on Christmas morning, the make-up sex is pretty good.

December 07, 2004

Bad signals

The DAB radio signal is crap if you're on the move. Which makes DAB pocket radios pretty pointless. [Yes, I bought one.] Unlike FM, the DAB signal does not degrade gracefully: it's either good or nonexistent. Britain is full of tunnels, railway cuttings and general dips in the landscape, where the DAB signal drops out altogether, even in areas with supposedly good coverage. Unless this can be sorted out, the move from analogue to digital broadcasts will be a backward move for radio reception.

And while I'm on the subject of signals, mobile phone coverage is none to hot in many parts of major cities. Ten years after starting off all mobile phone calls with 'lets move to the landline', I'm still often doing the same (or walking to the end of the garden to try to get a better signal). The same happened when I lived in central Brighton. It seems that polyphonic ring tones are more important than high quality coverage.

December 06, 2004

I protest

I protest. Modern life is rubbish. And the real world is really getting me down.

My nearest main road has been infested with three lots of roadworks over the last 3 months. They're still there.  This has entailed me (a) having my nearest postbox closed for the best part of a year, on and off, (b) having to walk in the middle of the road every day, on a busy section near the South Circular, for significant chunks of the past year (just to buy the paper or get to the bus stop).

My postal service has gone into free fall. Will I get any of my 'first class, priority' post from subscribed organisations? Questionable. I've got a sorting office where the roof caved in this summer; the local postal workers couldn't give a t***s and can't seem to distinguish one street name from another (well, I might feel the same in their position), thus entailing regular mail runs between neighbours and nearby districts. Neighbouring areas seem to have had it worse (stolen mailed credit cards etc etc), so who am I to complain...?

Trouble is, the virtual and the real are intertwined: If I order from whoever, more often than not they use 'Royal Mail' (a shadow of its former self) to deliver...or not.

I love the buses (no Tube down here), and rarely travel BR after involvement in a serious rail crash (yes, BR did settle after about five years and several miles of legal documents), but buses are turning nightmarish too as usage rises: standing room only (if you can get on) day and night, for what is often a one-hour trip, and bus drivers that are increasingly becoming devil-may-care in their approach to driving and travellers (but then, would I feel any different in their position?).

Does anybody care about public services any more? How can we get things working better? Or should I just give up and turn into a moaning minnie hermit?

Apologies Not Accepted

First we had SorryEverybody.com where a load of whining USA liberals apologised for putting Bush in charge of the world, then we had ApologiesAccepted.com where another load of global liberals said that it was all ok and they understand how it happened.

Well I say 'crapola' to that load of mutal acceptance and understanding.

Before Coca-Cola decide to launch WeDonatedToBothSides.com and Nike do JustBeNice.com we thought we should publish ApologiesNotAccepted.com to try and stop this avalanche of middle class niceness and give a voice to a couple of disgruntled part time revolutionaries who want to make the world a better place by poking people with sticks.

Not1

ApologiesNotAccepted.com - You know it makes sense!

December 05, 2004

Christmas Music

Now, I freely confess that I am a 100% Bah-humbugger when it comes to Christmas, but Xmas music still drives me wild. Confusingly, from an atheist who would rather get testicular leprosy than religion, the least offensive Christmas music that can be broadcast at you when you're walking around the supermarket is traditional Christmas carols sung by proper choirs. This is relatively easy to blank out, being tuneful, quite gentle and thus eminently ignorable.

No, the xmas music that really raises my blood pressure the modern popular xmas genre. For one, it's fabulously cynical; we can assume that the writers of Victorian carols at least believed what they were writing and genuinely wished goodwill to all mankind (except the females, colonials and workers, of course), but I can't believe that Bruce Springsteen *really* felt much when he fucked the corpse of the replusive "Santa Claus is coming to town".

Secondly, pop xmas stuff is too damn loud. I read somewhere that Slade's contribution to this sorry genre was recorded during the summer. Noddy Holder's fade out "IT'S CHRISTMAS" squawk is a fantastic impersonation of a pissed-up overly-sentimental Brummie on Xmas eve, but it is an aural assault when tannoyed at me while I'm trying to get parsnips for Sunday lunch.

The very very worst example of the modern Xmas song is Lennon's "Merry Xmas (War is Over)". This is a crime against humanity for several reasons:

  • War isn't over, is it? Twat. You can imagine the people in Iraq or Palestine slapping their foreheads and saying, "Why didn't we realise. War is over, if we want it. Doh!". So the fact that they're being bombed, murdered and starved is entirely their own fault, as they insufficiently wish for peace.
  • The sound of a multi-millionaire pop singer asking the listener "So this is Xmas/ and what have you done?"  to fight warfare and oppression is pretty galling when all he'd done was get pissed with his mates and sit in bed with his wife. And send some fucking acorns to politicians. Not a Gandhi salt march, is it John?
  • It's a horrible tune and Yoko's glass-shattering "harmonies" at the chorus had me cowering behind the display of Xmas puddings in Tescos, genuinely fearing being cut to ribbons by shards of glass if the shopfront gave way.
  • The lyrics are doggerel. "So this is Xmas/ and what have you done?/ Another year over/ and a new one just begun". Childish rhymes, bad scansion. Profound, or what?

The woman who sold me my cheese at the deli counter told me she was dreading next Saturday when "They turn on the Xmas music". I'm not surprised: when the U.S. played horrid music to Iraqi prisoners to break their will, Amnesty International were seriously concerned. They should visit Birmingham supermarkets. With earplugs.

December 04, 2004

Left Handed Phone Problems

The funny sods over at Virgin thought that it would be funny to launch a phone for lefties.

Virgin Mobile today unveiled the left-handed Sony Ericsson LH-Z200 mobile phone. Designed with a reversed keypad layout, the buttons are switched from right to left instead of standard left to right. With about seven million lefties in Britain alone, this handset will defiantly please these consumers. Left_handed_phone_1

Steven Day, the left-handed Corporate Affairs Director at Virgin Mobile, said: "We have been approached by thousands of left-handed customers who told us they wanted a phone which would work for them. Britain's seven million left-handed people should not be ignored and Virgin Mobile is the first mobile company in the world to offer a solution to this problem working in partnership with Sony Ericsson. We are confident there will be huge interest in this product."

Ha ha bloody ha, what an excellent April Fools.

Except for a few small details.

The number one problem that left-handed people have with many mobile phones is that we disconnet calls rather than answering them (apologies to all the people I cut off when they ring me). This is because the thumb naturally falls onto the hang-up button rather than the 'answer call' button.

Left_handed_nokia_1

If the idiots at Virgin had any idea at all they would have reversed the position of these two buttons rather than put all the numeric keys in a different order which makes no sense at all.

This very poor attempt at a joke tells you all you need to know about beardy balloon boy and his attitude to design.

December 03, 2004

Phone Menus and Other Peoples Dreams

What really gets me angry, like everyone else is phone menu systems. I recently had hours of fun with ISP Demon.

BUT the thing that makes it EVEN worse is the cynicism of the companies that use them, because THEY KNOW, that like other peoples' dreams, other peoples' accounts of phone menu woe are incredibly boring.

What this means is, nobody gives a toss about how long it took you to get what you wanted. There is no way to complain or even measure the user experience of being told to ring another number, falling into phone dead ends, being kept waiting for hours, entering details that then get asked for and then been cut off. And because of this, it means that we have to put up with it.

One of the most insidious phrases in the english language is "That's the way it is"

Anyway, I'm not gonna let you escape the tedium that was my experience with demon, here's the notes I took along the way...

demon

web: live text chat....
all busy...
jave client error

0800 027 0000
option 3 update
option 2
ring ring ring forever
hello sandra here....
--> demo help desk 0800 027 0555
--> sandra

dropped at
0845 275 5527
welcome to demon ... bla bla
service *
0845 and good bye!
271 0666
welcome to demon, recorded and monitored

enter number
0845 272 0040
Welcome.. customer
solo? option 1?
business...

0845 275 5527
Welcome to touch tone
number
0845 271 0666
0845 271 0666
Welcome your call may be monitored
enter your number
Ordered a home
0871 271 9666
what is your host name?
customer services
putting you through: very bad piano
all our advisors are on other calls
message: call 0845 272 2444?
more hang on, it's guitar...
have your account details ready...
jack
whats your number?
thursday (putting it in the post tonight!)


December 02, 2004

I Hate It When

Promises are not kept.

When in possesion of a unique web asset (Confusability) which inexplicably seems a mainline to Google no. 1 positioning, you fail to shamelessly plug keywords blatently linking to a friends colleagues new business venture (www.cutebox.co.uk)

I Hate It When

Banks/Building Societies (Nationwide) lie to you;

Investments
Service Required Telephone Number Open Hours
Existing customers 0870 6066461 Monday - Friday 8.30am - 5.30pm
Stakeholder pensions 0870 6666475 Monday - Friday 8.30am - 5.30pm
Equity products (ISA/Unit trusts) 0870 6066461 Monday - Friday 8.30am - 5.30pm

Ring 0870 6066461 at 5:12pm and you're told that "We are closed. Office hours are between 9am and 5pm, Monday to Friday"

New Band Aid Single

I thought it was a spoof version when I heard it. The original wan't that great as a pop record but at least it had one or two memorable moments.

If this is the best the pop world can come up with then the record companies needn't worry about illegal downloading killing pop music.

The Rules

Bruce asked "What are the rules?"

Rule No 1: There are no rules.

Rule No 2: See rule no 1.

If it offends, then it offends. We are all friends here and a bit of bad language isn't going to kill anyone (unlike a Blackhawk in Fallujah).

You can access this blog by using http://grumpyoldpeople.com

Mobile Phones

Tom Smith notes  "I HATE it that mobile phones don't allow spaces in numbers."

Right on!

I hate the fact that you can't get a left-handed mobile phone. This means that I end up ending a call when I mean to accept it because I hit the red phone rather than the green phone. The microphone is on the wrong side of the phone and I don't know how much louder I should speak to make up for the misplaced mic.

It's good to be a grump

We need to moan and complain a lot more than we do. I've noticed that people seem to have to always be positive about things even when they're crap. A problem should not be described as 'an opportunity' or ' a challenge'. If it's crap then why not say it.

There is an excellent BBC TV series called Grumpy Old Men where a group of middle aged male minor celebrities complained about the trials and tribulations of modern life.

I will invite people to put their moans and complaints about modern life onto this blog. No-one will have to put things in a positive light or pretend that things are OK as they are.

The moans may be about anything at all and they don't even have to be rational!

Let the grumpiness begin!